Father’s Day Heartache: “Do you know him?”
My Dad two months before he died, 1998
I knew it would probably happen.
Somehow I didn’t think it would really happen with MY Mom though.
And it was Father’s Day…
Mom has had Alzheimer’s Disease for over 3 years and has lived in the Alzheimer’s Care Center in Royal Oaks Life Care Community since July of 2006.
Mom still gets around with a walker for short distances, but when I take her for an extended walk, we use a wheelchair.
During our usual wheelchair walk outside and in other areas of the Care Center, we passed by a bronze plaque honoring my Dad for his work in the renovation of the Care Center where Mom lives.
Dad died in 1998, after a painful journey with cancer that lasted about 9 months. I talked with Mom about the plaque and she looked at it. She looked at me and got out the words, “Do you know him?”
I answered yes and said that he was my Dad and was her husband for 66 years. She didn’t respond to that. I didn’t question her anymore about what she remembered. If the memory is gone, it is just upsetting to press the issue.
I know even before Mom has Alzheimer’s, she shared with me something she learned in training she had taken as a volunteer going into the Alzheimer’s Care Center. Never ask an Alzheimer’s patient, ” Do you remember when….?” Much better to just talk about something or somebody and if there is remembrance of that, you’ll know by the patient’s response. When the person does not know the answer, it is just disturbing to them when asked over and over.
It’s important to be cognizant of the language we use so that communication can be as positive as possible.
Father’s Day and their anniversary sometimes hit on the same day, June 18. Mom worshiped my Dad. She was always so proud of all that he accomplished during his working days as a metallurgical engineer in management of steel companies.
After retirement he was President of the Board at the Royal Life Care Community where they lived in a beautiful garden home for many years. Mom now lives in the Alzheimer’s center there. We moved her there three years ago after she was no longer able to live on her own.
Mom has been nearly nonverbal for quite some time now. Yesterday she actually spoke a bit more than usual. It’s always sketchy communication and she often tries to speak and can’t get out the words.
So it has been difficult to know just how much she is understanding and remembering. With this experience with communicating about my Dad, I became painfully aware of the truth of her condition at this point.
Yes, Mom is still a beautiful human being, enjoying her limited food choices. And has a special affinity for ice cream with chocolate sauce. There was one visit that her only verbalization was ice cream. Another time, it was chocolate. She still is able to express just enough to get the important things in life!!
If you or someone you know has a loved one with Alzheimer’s, let them know that we have a fr.ee monthly call to gather together on a teleconference line and communicate with others going through similar experiences. It’s helpful to know you are not alone in this journey.
Our next call is July 13, 2009 at 6:30 Pacific/9:30 Eastern time.
Register now to get all the information about connecting to the call.
Go to http://www.AlzheimersintheFamily.com/
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